


I Won't Even Wish for Snow

by Dancains



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Christmas, M/M, Pre-Slash, always a human!perry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-08 22:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5516102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dancains/pseuds/Dancains
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A certain evil scientist finds himself alone during what should be the cheeriest time of the year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this doesn't take place during any of the offical Christmas episodes, and might have minor inconsistencies with those eps.
> 
> title shamelessly stolen from Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You" :)

Heinz groaned as he opened a tired eye against the bright light filtering in between the curtains. An early riser out of habit, he was usually already up as the sun rose, that is, if he had slept at all. Reluctantly he sat up and stretched, one of his shoulders making a soft popping noise as he glanced at his clock.

"God, noon already?" he grumbled to himself, not that it really _mattered_ , anyway. 

This certainly wasn't going to be the first Christmas Heinz would spend alone, but something about the loneliness still stung. Vanessa had plans to visit her grandparents, on Charlene's side of the family, who lived out of state. The last time she had talked to Heinz over the phone she had promised to bring her father his gift around new year when she returned. At least he had that to look forward to.

As he got up, he tried to ignore how quiet and vacant his penthouse suite felt. His footsteps across the carpeted floor felt unnaturally loud. 

Beyond his dearest daughter's absence, what even made Heinz feel emptier, even if he would never admit it to himself, was the fact that he knew he wouldn't see Perry the secret agent all day. Even if he usually walked away with a few bruises, his little altercations with the agent were easily the high point of his day. The only point, really. And now that it had been slowly dawning on him for a while that his feelings for Perry might go a bit beyond the average bond between a villain and his nemesis, made the complete void of any real friends or a significant other in his life even more tangible. It probably said something sad about him that he had no one he could even think of calling or doing something with on Christmas, outside of family and a guy who was payed to fight him on the regular.

He trudged to the kitchen to try and put together some late breakfast for himself (often a job relegated to Norm, but Heinz had switched him off the evening before, not wanting to be woken by his obnoxiously cheery demeanor on this godforsaken holiday). He turned on the coffee maker and cracked two eggs into a pan, idly wondering what Perry was up to. From their meeting yesterday, Heinz was only able to gather that Perry wouldn't be able to thwart his plan the following day, as Perry had confirmed with a shrug and an apologetic look. Heinz had told him he wasn't even going to try any scheming if Perry wasn't there to at least try and thwart it. Danville was safe this Christmas, he thought to himself sardonically.

He wondered if Perry had a family, and if he was with them now, celebrating, or maybe he was like Heinz, a nearly friendless workaholic, whom the agency insisted take the holiday off. Heinz scoffed at his own idea. If anybody had people who cared about him in his life, it would be Perry. He felt a twinge in is heart as he even contemplated that the agent might have someone special in his life, something he had never really thought about--maybe never wanted to consider. The man barely talked in general, much less about any important aspect of his personal life. For all the evil scientist knew, he could even be married... 

Heinz poked absentmindedly at his eggs with a spatula, barely looking at the food, a grimace on his face.

He had always naturally assumed that he had as much impact on Perry's life as Perry had on his, but here was was daydreaming about someone who, realistically, probably had Heinz as the very last thing on his mind, someone people somewhere probably cared about a whole damn lot. Unlike a certain evil scientist. 

Suddenly he could smell the scrambled eggs burning. 

_"Sheiße."_

They were too overcooked to eat so he turned off the stove, poured himself a cup of coffee and wandered over to one of his living rooms in defeat.

"At least one of my soaps might be on..." he consoled himself. He pulled his thread worn bathrobe tighter around his body as he flipped through what seemed to be endless cheesy family Christmas movies. 

"Ugh...ugh..no," he grumbled, furiously clicking the remote. He eventually settled on a channel that was half-way through "Home Alone". 

Heinz raised his mug to have another sip of coffee (at least it tasted decent, the only thing that had gone his way the whole day) and nearly choked when he heard an unexpected creaking noise, followed by a loud thud, coming from the direction of the fireplace.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this might be 3 chapters after all ; ) Looks like I didn't make my own Christmas deadline but this will be finished in the next couple days...Happy holidays everybody!
> 
> ...

In a cloud of dust and ash, Heinz Doofenshmirtz's one and only nemesis tumbled out of the fireplace with an undignified thud, onto the ugly shag carpet below. Unexpectedly, Perry was dressed in a bulky red coat, lined with white faux-fur and fastened with a thick, black belt. His usual fedora had managed to tumble off during his fall.

In reality, Perry's dramatic entrance was the result of his hovercraft malfunctioning as he flew over one of DEI's many unused chimneys, but the agent quickly decided that he would leave Doofenshmirtz to think that it was a deliberate and festive choice.

"S-santa Claus?" Doof looked bewildered, almost letting his coffee mug slip from his hands to the floor.

Perry rummaged around in the ash and logs, brushed the grime off his hat, and quickly snapped it on to his head.

"Perry the secret agent! ... _dressed_ as Santa Claus?"

Perry gave a sort of bashful smile and a half shrug as he got up off the floor.

Maybe one day when all the evil plotting and thwarting was far behind them, and he didn't have to worry blowing his cover, he would be able to tell Doofenshmirtz all about his amazing nephews, and the spectacular Christmas event they had put together in their backyard that morning for all the neighborhood kids, and how Perry, of course, had been persuaded into playing Santa for the benefit of the younger children who visited the backyard winter wonderland (the red cap and false beard had been abandoned on his flight over). 

The boys had even put together something to make it snow, even though Danville usually never got cold enough around this time of the year, and hadn't had a white Christmas in almost a decade. It was one of countless inventions that made Perry so unimaginably proud of how clever and creative his boys were. Any minute now, the plush white snow clouds would reach the far side of the city,including the downtown area where the DEI building was situated.

Doofenshmirtz looked musingly at him, "Perry the secret agent, you know I don't have any evil scheme for you to thwart today, right?"

Perry nodded.

"Oh...so you just came to visit me?" Doof asked, try to keep the giddy excitement from his voice.

Perry nodded again, emphatically this time, and Heinz felt an inexplicable warmth growing in his chest. 

He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand, "Ya know, I wish I had something to give you, since it's Christmas and all, but I didn't know you were coming, you know how it is," he felt himself begin to ramble, "At least uh...at least let me get you a cup of coffee, or something to eat. Oh, I have egg nog!"

Perry beamed as he let Heinz half-guide half-drag him to the nearby kitchenette, where he poured the agent a cup of hot coffee with a liberal amount of eggnog, and dug a tin container of butter cookies out of one of the cupboards for them to snack on (Heinz didn't really have much substantial food in the house at them moment, he always tried to avoid the busy supermarkets in the couple days before Christmas, but Perry would certainly be the last person to complain).

Suddenly, Perry's eyes widened as if he had remembered something. He fished around in the pockets of his Santa coat for a moment, and proudly handed a plastic wrapped candy cane over to Heinz.

Heinz felt himself lost for words a moment over the unexpected, small, kind gesture...and the handsome smile that barely tugged at the corner of Perry's mouth.

"Oh, Thank you, Perry the secret agent...I'll use this to stir my coffee."

After the slight awkward silence that followed, they made their way back to the sofa with the coffee and cookies, eventually settling into one of their usual one-sided conversations while half watching the TV. 

Perry slipped off his overcoat, the warm sweater underneath making it unnecessary in the now surprisingly cozy room. He stretched out with his feet on the ottoman and his hands behind his head, listening to the comforting, familiar rhythms of Heinz's voice, as he continuously chattered about the small happenings in his recent day-to-day life. 

Perry had had an exciting and busy Christmas morning with his family, and had loved every single minute of it, but there was something very special to him about having an excuse to spend time just lingering here with Heinz, without the obligation of a job to do, or a scheme to put a stop to. Feeling blissfully relaxed, he nearly felt himself drift off, until something Doofenshmirtz said made his eyes flutter open and dart back to Heinz.

"--doesn't know how good he has it," Heinz continued, gesturing haphazardly at the TV. "So what if his mother left him home alone on Christmas, at least it was an accident! At least the rest of the family are coming back. He should try being purposely abandoned by his parents, and left to live with ocelots...you know, Perry the secret agent, it's very difficult to celebrate Christmas with ocelots, trust me, I would know, they're just not festive!"

Perry frowned, taken aback. He had almost thought that story was untrue, or at least grossly exaggerated, the first time Heinz had mentioned it. Perry couldn't wrap his head around how any people could be so cruel and apathetic to their own child. He wished that Heinz could have felt a little bit of the familial warmth, love, and togetherness that Perry felt much earlier that morning, while opening gifts, eating breakfast, and simply spending time with the Flynn-Fletchers.

After a moment of hesitation, he gently patted Heinz on the shoulder, letting his hand linger there as he tried to convey a look of understanding and sympathy. Even if the evil scientist had experienced some traumatic circumstances around the holidays of his youth, Perry wanted to try and make this day special, or at least enjoyable for Heinz.

Heinz opened his mouth to say something, caught unaware by the gesture of comfort and solidarity, but anything he was about to say was drowned out by the unexpected chime of the apartment's doorbell.


End file.
